Grieving A Loss

There is a heaviness in my chest - my heart is aching and my stomach is turning. 

I can feel the anxiety building up deep inside my solar plexus. Indistinctly, I close my eyes like I can block out reality. I take a few cleansing breaths trying to recover some sort of serenity.

My nose and eyes are tingling as I try to push back the tears. Why? I let the flood gates open. I sob loudly and violently.

This has been my reality for the last few months. I am grieving a loss.

****************************

Friday June 21, 2013. I was actually feeling pretty good considering the circumstances. I was smiling and I could hear my Honey Bunny chattering happily with my Mom as they were getting out of the van behind me. I moved quickly to unlock the front door.

There it was. The paper I had been dreading for the last three weeks.

The notice from the sheriff as directed by the bank that holds my mortgage. The notice to vacate the premises on or before Friday June 28th at 8:30 am.

The fat lady was singing.

I felt my heart drop. I blinked slowly, pulled the notice off the door and walked through the house to sit out on the dec in the backyard - my backyard. Tears swelled then slowly rolled down my cheeks. 

There were no coherent thoughts just the feeling of overwhelming loss. And the tears kept coming - faster and faster.

Mom quietly sat down beside me.

****************************

I had tried to prepare myself for this moment but I kept thinking everything was going to be okay and it would all work out in the end.

This is my house. My home for ten years. This was the only place that felt like home since I eighteen years old.

This was the only home that my Honey Bunny has ever known. She loves her home. 

I remember her telling me that she was grateful for the roof because it kept us dry when it was raining. 

She waited all winter for me to clean out the pool and fill it up so she could swim. 

She is such a little fish. She was only three years old when she learned how to swim under the water across the width of the pool. She practically lives in the pool all summer.

The back yard was one of my favorite places to be too. I loved the deck. It was covered so we could sit out back when it rained. It was so beautiful out there listening to the pitter patter of the rain drops hitting the roof.

Dinosaur eggs and bones.

Faith and I loved playing in the yard. One summer we had such fun digging for dinosaur bones and eggs. Oh and all the mud pies we shared.

Playing with bubbles, chalk . . . the birthday parties . . . the snowmen and snow forts and blanket tents. . .

My flowers! No not my flowers too - daisies, purple cone flowers, lilies .... My strawberries, chives, onions, ferns and rhubarb plant. Gifts from my daughters, husband and friends. 

Oh, and I can't forget the surprise unknown crop that magically sprouted up in our garden last summer.

We kept trying to figure out what was growing in our garden. It turned out to be decorative gourds. My granddaughters loved cutting them off the vine and displaying them on the window sill.

****************************

Everyone keeps saying it's just a house but it's feels like so much more to me.

This house is my home and it has been home for ten years. 

Have you ever lived some where that just never felt like home? I have. Until I moved into this house.

Of course there are so many memories attached to this house. It's like our house is part of the family.

It also feels like an extension of me. We did so much work here. I picked out the flooring, all the paint colours, the base boards, trim and doors. I picked all the light fixtures. 

We installed a new bath tub, sinks, faucets, vanities, light switches. I think we replaced just about everything in the house - except the kitchen cabinets.

I know it is a matter of pride. How could I not feel good about owning my house. We worked and saved for this house. We did it together.

****************************

I don't know how many times I have been told that one door closes and two open. That does not console me one bit.

The pain is so intense. I can only compare it to breaking up with my high school sweet heart. I grieved for six months - til I met someone new.

I think I just need to grieve my loss and time will heal the part of me that is broken.

I hope in time that I will be able to forgive myself - I let my family down.

****************************

How did we get here? 

It was a long time coming, starting almost six years ago. That is when my husband was injured at work.

Unfortunately it took almost six years for him to be diagnosed.

Six years, trying to figure out why he couldn't stay at a job more than a couple of weeks. 

Six years, thinking this job is the one that he will stay at and everything will be okay again.

Six years struggling financially because everything we had was based on two incomes.

How would your family do if your household income dropped by fifty percent or more? 

I cashed in my RRSPs, spent my savings, maxed out our credit cards just to get by.

I couldn't understand why he would just walk off the job. It made me so angry. Until he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

To be honest, I can't completely understand his PTSD. I try. He says that it didn't happen to me and I could never understand what he is going through. That might be true but I do know what it has done to our lives.

We have lost everything.

We are homeless and our family is spread out.

****************************

Where do we go from here?

I can't go there yet. I have not grieved enough yet. The wound is still too raw. I need just a little time.

I am grateful for my Honey Bunny because she is the reason I get up and go every day. With out her I'm not sure I would find the strength.

I'd like to thank Pamela Dale. Her words keep ringing in my ears. Will I be a victim or victorious? 

I will victorious. Just not today.

****************************

Well, thanks for stopping by. 

If your interested, stop by my Etsy Shop, Little Shop of Treasures or check out my Free Printables page.
If you would like to receive my blog updates please subscribe via Emailor follow me on Twitter, Pinterest or Blog Lovin.

emotional VAMPIRES ARE REAL

Have you ever felt emotionally drained - like you have nothing left in you? Have you been exhausted not just emotionally, put physically too even though you haven't done anything strenuous?

I know at times of high stress, a person can become drained of physical and emotional energy. A death, a natural disaster, or a horrific event can take a lot out of a person. 

And this makes sense to me but what about people? Can a person drain you emotionally and physically?

I think they can. Actually I am pretty sure they can because I have experienced it. The other day, I was feeling so tired. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I just wanted to lie down somewhere and go to sleep. I remember thinking, it's weird but every time I talk with this person, I feel like the life has been sucked right out of me leaving me feeling negative, frustrated and very unhappy.

I can't stand feeling like this. I work so hard to be positive and uplifting then to have someone rip that all apart on me . . . 

What can I do to protect myself? What can you do to avoid this kind of person from bringing you down?

I wanted answers so I Googled it.

I found out that these life draining people are vampires - Emotional Vampires! They "suck the good" out of relationships. Instead of  feasting on human blood they feed on positive energy and the good feelings in their relationships. They are real - living among us - disguised as everyday people - maybe your sister, brother, mother, father, friend, neighbor, co-worker . . .  maybe it's you.

Signs That You Have Encountered an Emotional Vampire

(from “Emotional Freedom” by Judith Orloff MD)

You can always tell when an Emotional Vampire has been in your presence. You may exhibit some or all of the following:

• You feel physically tired - you may need a nap.
• You feel agitated - grumpy
• You feel sad, hopeless or worthless
• You want try to comfort yourself with shopping, binging . . .
• You feel anxious, depressed, or negative

I knew being around negative people made it difficult to feel optimistic and happy but now I know that Emotional Vampires inflict deeper wounds. They suck the optimism and serenity right out of us. 

They can make us believe we’re unworthy and unlovable - that we don’t deserve any better. They can makes us feel bad about ourselves. 

We need to know how to recognize these Emotional Vampires so we can protect ourselves.

Identifying Emotional Vampires

Emotional Vampires come from all walks of life. They can be a boss, a coworker, a colleague, a friend, family member or romantic partner.

According to Judith Orloff MD there are five types of Emotional Vampires. 

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s New York Times Bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

The Narcissist

Their motto is "Me first." Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention and crave admiration. They're dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you don't do things their way, they become punishing, withholding or cold.

How to Protect Yourself

Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide your deepest feelings to them. To successfully communicate, the hard truth is that you must show how something will be to their benefit. Though it's better not to have to contend with this tedious ego stroking, if the relationship is unavoidable this approach works.

The Victim

These vampires grate on you with their "poor-me" attitude. The world is always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they always say, "Yes, but..."  As a friend, you may want to help but their tales of woe overwhelm you.

How to Protect Yourself

Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly and tell a friend or relative, "I love you but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions." With a coworker sympathize by saying, "I'll keep having good thoughts for things to work out." Then say, "I hope you understand, but I'm on deadline and must return to work." Then use "this isn't a good time" body language such as crossing your arms and breaking eye contact to help set these healthy limits.

The Controller

These people obsessively try to control you and dictate how you're supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They'll control you by invalidating your emotions if they don't fit into their rulebook. They often start sentences with "You know what you need?" and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned or put down.

How to Protect Yourself

The secret to success is never try and control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but don't tell them what to do. You can say, "I value your advice but really need to work through this myself." Be confident but don't play the victim.

The Constant Talker

These people aren't interested in your feelings. They are only concerned with themselves. You wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or these people might physically move in so close they're practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but they step closer.

How to Protect Yourself

These people don't respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt, as hard as that is to do. Listen for a few minutes. Then politely say, "I hate to interrupt, but please excuse me I have to talk to these other people... or get to an appointment... or go to the bathroom." A much more constructive tactic than, "Keep quiet, you're driving me crazy!" If this is a family member, politely say, "I'd love if you allowed me some time to talk to so I can add to the conversation." If you say this neutrally, it can better be heard.

The Drama Queen

These people have a flair for exaggerating small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. 

How to Protect Yourself

Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. Set kind but firm limits. 

*************************************

Judith Orloff MD is the bestselling author of the book Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011)  She is an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. She has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, and in the Oprah Magazine and USA Today.

*************************************

Oh, I don't know if the short summary of Dr. Orloff's book was much help. The book of course has more information if you want to learn more.

Dr. Albert Bernstein has his own site where he shares his incites into Emotional Vampires. Check it out here.

What I did learn is that Emotional Vampires believe their needs are more important than yours and rules don't apply to them. They will never admit fault and they will throw a tantrum if they don't get their way.

And now that I can recognize an Emotional Vampire I know that the best way to protect myself from an Emotional Vampire is to avoid them if at all possible. Otherwise, it's best not to take anything they say personally which is easier said than done. 

Do you know an Emotional Vampire? Or have do you see some of their tendencies in yourself?

Maybe we are all Emotional Vampires at certain times in our lives?

I hope you find this post helpful or at least amusing! Let me know what you think by leaving a comment. I can never get enough of those.  :) And if you know someone else who may enjoy this post, please share it with them.

I would love for you to subscribe and follow along! 

I also post on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest. See you there.

15 Reasons for Keeping a Gratitude List

When times are difficult it can be hard to remember to be grateful. That's unfortunate because that is probably when you need it the most.

When you are grateful you cannot be sad or depressed. When you are grateful all you can feel is happy.

The benefits of being grateful are:

1. cure broken or difficult relationships
2. cure lack of health
3. bring more money into your life
4. reduce  fear
5. reduce worry
6. reduce  grief 
7. eliminate depression 
8. find solutions to problems
9. find happiness 
10. with clarity
11. have patience
12. with kindness 
13. have compassion 
14. with your understanding 
15. bring peace of mind

If you are having difficulty understanding how gratefulness can help with all the points that I listed, try the 28 day practices outlined in Rhonda Byrne's book The Magic and/or follow along with me on my journey starting at the beginning, Day 1.

Darlene Nemeth

Grateful for Yesterday

Be grateful for all the blessings you have received in the past.

• I am grateful that my daughters and granddaughters were born beautiful and perfect. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
• I am grateful to all the people who helped through the tough times. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
• I am grateful for all the money I have received. It came in many different forms: coupons, free stuff, discounted items, pay checks, gifts, bonuses etc.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Grateful for Today

Be grateful for all the blessings you are receiving now.

• I am grateful for everything and everyone in my life at this very moment.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.
• I am grateful for the money in my pocket and in my bank account. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
• I am grateful for the light above me so I can see what I am doing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
• I am grateful to be alive and healthy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
• I am grateful for the health of my loved ones. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Grateful for Tomorrow

Be grateful for the unknown blessings already on their way to you right now.

• I am grateful for my granddaughter who will arrive within the next month. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
• I am grateful for all the money I will receive. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
• I am grateful to live a long, healthy and prosperous life with my family.

I think my lists are good to start with. I can always add more as time goes by.

Have you started your gratitude journal yet? I would love to hear about it. Maybe share a short gratitude story. That would be wonderful.

And don't forget, I'd love it if you joined me on my journey, we could learn as we travel together.

Laugh Out Loud!

There's nothing like a good laugh to lift your spirits. I am sure you're thinking, "like dah". But you know, when you are feeling down, it doesn't occur to you that something so simple can make you feel better.

Dr Judith Orloff has this to say about laughter, "True laughter is a surrender to hilarity; a sound, a smile, a heart opening. You feel it in your chest, or your whole body may shake. Also, notice that prior to a joke, there’s an air of expectation, a subtle shift in consciousness and attention, the promise of mood transformation."

Watch a comedy. Not something mildly humorous. Find something hilarious. Find something so ridiculously side splitting that you will laugh out loud.

Why not check out stand up comedians on You Tube. A comedian's job is make you laugh and laugh til your face hurts. 

I was perusing the net when I came across Louis C.K. Chewed Up (2008). He is a bit vulgar but you know that can be funny. He covers several topics that I can relate to. Just check it out then let me know what you think.

Or maybe you have a favorite comedian you would like to share.

Sorry, I have to stop for a sec to laugh. He was just talking about his five year old daughter trying to tell him a secret. LOL

Boy can I relate. My granddaughters are so funny when they try to tell me a secret. First they really don't know how to whisper. The neighbor next door can hear them. I brace myself for a blast in the ear then Faith says, "Grandma, I want to tell you a secret." I am wincing and pulling back so she puts her little hands on my checks so I can't get away as she "whispers" to me again. "Grandma, I want to tell you a secret." And that is usually her secret. She's so cute. 

When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

You are Successful!

Happiness

I was sitting here brain storming, in search of something to write about.The first word to come to mind was happiness which lead to gratitude. Gratitude equal happiness. 

But what else makes me happy? My family, my home, my job, my friends. Manifesting my dreams. Success. 

What does success mean to me - or you?

What is my answer? Success means happiness to me. The opposite is true too. In simple terms, failure makes me sad.

Society's Standards for Success

But how do I recognize when I am successful? 

I know some people pass judgment on themselves because they do not measure up to the society's standards. 

Let's look at the average teenager who compares themselves to their peers. Being successful in high school may mean you have great grades, have a part-time job, get involved in extra curriculum activities, dress in popular brand name clothes. or hang with the cool kids. And let's face it, if we aren't one of the cool kids we are losers.

What about after high school? Does success mean college or university? Maybe it's that fantastic job, big house and nice shiny car? 


Maybe you measure your success by the  accomplishments of your children? Or keeping up with your neighbors.

Society may judge us by these standards but I hope we don't. As I get older it has become easier to stop comparing myself society's standards but I don't think it is determined by the number of years on this planet so much as it has to do with self esteem and gratitude for ones self.

Defining Success

If we aren't suppose to compare ourselves to society's standards, how do we gauge our success? Maybe we need to review the definition of success.

1. Success may refer to: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Success)

• a level of social status
• achievement of a goal
• the opposite of failure

2. Success. [suhk-ses]  (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/success)

• the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals. 
• the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like. 
• a performance or achievement that is marked by success, as by the attainment of honors: The play was an instant success. 
• a person or thing that has had success, as measured by attainment of goals, wealth, etc.: She was a great success on the talk show.

Success Is . . .

To me, I am successful when . . . I happily complete a goal that I have created. This could be buying a house, a car, nice furniture. But it isn't because my neighbors have it.

I am successful when I finish crocheting a blanket, or paint the hallway. I am successful because I set a goal for myself, I worked to complete that goal and I did it. 

(All this talk about the word success. It sounds weird now, doesn't it? Success. Yep it is a weird word.)

Defining Success for Yourself

Is it how we judge ourselves as human beings that determines our success? Do the successes through out our lives give us value? What does success mean to you?

I can't answer any of those questions for you. All I know is you need to figure out what success means to you, for you. And we shouldn't compare ourselves to others when determining our success.

Why Success?

I wanted to write about success today because it has a lot to do with your self worth and in the end, your happiness. 

Let's face it, if we become very sad and depressed when we feel unsuccessful. And that has to do with the means that you determine how successful you are.

We can't compare ourselves to any one else. We don't do it with our kids. We don't do it with our family. And we don't do it with our friends. So why are we so hard on ourselves?

We have to set our goals then celebrate when we reach them. Yes! Let's CELEBRATE! YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL!

If you like this post, please share the love with your friends and family on Facebook and Twitter. 

Attitude of Gratitude . . .

and How it Relates to Happiness

For some people happiness is just an unattainable dream because they have never known true sustainable happiness. 

For me, that first sentence provokes images of starving, poverty stricken children because it would have to be something as severe as this to cause life long depression. Right?

Wrong. There are countless reasons for unhappiness and depression in this world. It may be biological. It may be a series of life's bumps in the road of life or a catastrophe that shakes your world.

When it comes to those bumps or tragic events, not everyone reacts the same. Some people may be able to bounce right back while others suffer for years. What could be the difference between these two types of people?

The answer lies within you. Happiness is a choice.

Before you jump all over that, let me explain.

Stop and think about it. No one can control your feelings except you. Once you take ownership, you need to take control of your emotions. 

I know, easier said than done right. The truth is, making a change can be difficult and it takes commitment  It has been a struggle for me but I can now say that I have found happiness. I am still working on it; improving it ; but at least I am on the right path now.

So what makes me happy? What brought sustained happiness? The kind of happiness that has no reason but just glows from within?

Yes, getting a good night's sleep helps. So does eating properly, regular exercise and setting goals. But for me, those fall in line once happiness is achieved.

And you know it isn't that nice new shiny car that brought it or my beautiful home. Not the raise at work, not the weight loss. Surely those things do bring happiness but it is short lived. 

So what is the secret of attaining sustained happiness - inner peace? 

The answer my friends is gratitude. 

Attitude of Gratitude

When I wake up, I say to myself, "Today is a great day to be alive. Thank you, thank you, thank you." Throughout the day I take a moment to relax, and just be grateful. I keep a gratitude journal. Before I fall asleep at night, I review my gratitude list from the previous day and decide which one I am most grateful for.

Are you wondering how being grateful makes me happy? It works like this;  when I feel grateful I can't feel sad, angry, resentment, jealousy. When I am grateful all I can feel is happy.

And you can too.




Are you ready to invite happiness into your life? Are you ready to have an attitude for gratitude?

You can start right now. I hope you can learn from my experience. The road to inner peace and happiness.

Maya Angelou

I like surfing the net, reading blogs, articles, looking at pictures. I wander from one link to the next and before I know it I am miles away in unknown territory. 

This is how I came across Maya Angelou. Holy Cow! She has accomplished so much. 

"Dr. Maya Angelou is one of the most renowned and influential voices of our time. Hailed as a global renaissance woman, Dr. Angelou is a celebrated poet, memoirist, novelist, educator, dramatist, producer, actress, historian, filmmaker, and civil rights activist."

"Dr. Angelou’s words and actions continue to stir our souls, energize our bodies, liberate our minds, and heal our hearts." 

http://mayaangelou.com

It was the many quotations that drew my attention. Her words inspire. Because I blog about gratitude I thought this quote would be fitting and so I am sharing it with you. 

I have been practicing gratitude and I wake up in the morning saying thank you. When I am grateful I cannot feel sad. I can't feel anxious or frustrated or angry. I feel happy and blessed.

When I practice consistently for a few days, I have a warm fuzzy feeling of inner peace and happiness which up to now was a very rare event.

Unfortunately, change is difficult. Sometimes negative thoughts creep into my mind or escape my lips. That's when I stop and say, "but I am grateful for . . . " and turn it back around to gratitude.

If you haven't tried any of the gratitude practices, a magic morning is a good place to start or you can start at the beginning. That post is titled, The Road To Inner Peace and Happiness.


You may want to read more about Maya Angelou so  I have copied a few links for you.

• http://mayaangelou.com/
• http://www.poemhunter.com/maya-angelou/
• http://www.poemhunter.com/i/ebooks/pdf/maya_angelou_2012_6.pdf
• http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/maya_angelou.html

Do you have an attitude of gratitude? I am not there yet but I am working on it. How about you?