Can People Change?

I say YES!

People can change. Even a negative person can change. 

If you asked me that question a few years ago I would have said yes but only hoped it was true. And that was probably because I didn't know how to make those kinds of changes.

Now I not only know how a negative person can change to an optimistic one, I also know why? Do you?

Sure optimistic people are more fun to be around but what other reasons are there?

Lucky for us, more research is conducted all the time and those brainiacs have the answers. 

Are you ready for the answer? Here it is. Being optimistic will make you happy. 

It's that simple and isn't that what everyone wants out of life. To be happy. 

Don't believe me? Go ask some random people. I'll bet they will all say that they want to be happy.

Sure they want a million dollars, a new car, a fantastic home but it turns out that they want these things because they think it will make them happy.

But wait there's more. Optimistic people aren't just happier there are two more benefits. They are also healthier and wealthier.

I'm not saying that optimistic people don't have problems. They do. They just look at it differently than a pessimist. You know that whole glass half full half empty thing.

You might come back to me and say, hey Darlene, that's just the way I am. I can't change that.

I'd have to say to you that you can change that. And I'll tell you how.

You choose how you think. You can control your thoughts. Don't just let your brain run on auto pilot otherwise it will always respond in the same old way. With negativity.

I know, I know, I know, your thinking how can I stop thoughts from popping in my head. The answer is at first you can't but eventually with practice an persistence you will notice a change in how you think.

I know this is true because it has worked for me. I wouldn't say at one hundred percent optimistic but there is a marked improvement. If you want to read more about making the change to optimism you might want to check this post out HERE.

I don't wake up in the morning with that thought popping in my head. The one that kept saying, I hate my life. I believed that I had no control over my thoughts but I do. Now I wake up and think it is a beautiful day. I am so very lucky. (Even though I am homeless and living out of a suitcase.)

In the beginning you have to stop and consciously beware that a negative thought has just entered your mind. Then you can stop yourself before the thought is complete and switch it up with an optimistic thought. 

The next step is stopping the thought before it enters your brain and you think of something positive. 

Eventually the negative thoughts are few and far between and you suddenly wake up one day and say HEY! I haven't had a negative thought in a long time. Am I an optimist now. Well you're definitely on your way.


If you continually practice optimistic thinking, you’ll reprogram your brain to automatically respond in a positive manner.  


But remember. It takes time. It takes patience. It's like quitting a bad habit. It takes work. But it is worth it. You are worth it.

We're all a work in progress. Let's banish all those negative thoughts starting right now and be HAPPY!

Have an Amazing Day!

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Stacey chose this post as her favorite. “This is such a great post! I would also have to say yes, but I think the most important key to the change is to recognize the negativity. I used to always see the glass as have empty, until I finally realized that something needed to change and that was me.”

Thank you Stacey. To see the other featured posts please click HERE.

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Grieving A Loss

There is a heaviness in my chest - my heart is aching and my stomach is turning. 

I can feel the anxiety building up deep inside my solar plexus. Indistinctly, I close my eyes like I can block out reality. I take a few cleansing breaths trying to recover some sort of serenity.

My nose and eyes are tingling as I try to push back the tears. Why? I let the flood gates open. I sob loudly and violently.

This has been my reality for the last few months. I am grieving a loss.

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Friday June 21, 2013. I was actually feeling pretty good considering the circumstances. I was smiling and I could hear my Honey Bunny chattering happily with my Mom as they were getting out of the van behind me. I moved quickly to unlock the front door.

There it was. The paper I had been dreading for the last three weeks.

The notice from the sheriff as directed by the bank that holds my mortgage. The notice to vacate the premises on or before Friday June 28th at 8:30 am.

The fat lady was singing.

I felt my heart drop. I blinked slowly, pulled the notice off the door and walked through the house to sit out on the dec in the backyard - my backyard. Tears swelled then slowly rolled down my cheeks. 

There were no coherent thoughts just the feeling of overwhelming loss. And the tears kept coming - faster and faster.

Mom quietly sat down beside me.

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I had tried to prepare myself for this moment but I kept thinking everything was going to be okay and it would all work out in the end.

This is my house. My home for ten years. This was the only place that felt like home since I eighteen years old.

This was the only home that my Honey Bunny has ever known. She loves her home. 

I remember her telling me that she was grateful for the roof because it kept us dry when it was raining. 

She waited all winter for me to clean out the pool and fill it up so she could swim. 

She is such a little fish. She was only three years old when she learned how to swim under the water across the width of the pool. She practically lives in the pool all summer.

The back yard was one of my favorite places to be too. I loved the deck. It was covered so we could sit out back when it rained. It was so beautiful out there listening to the pitter patter of the rain drops hitting the roof.

Dinosaur eggs and bones.

Faith and I loved playing in the yard. One summer we had such fun digging for dinosaur bones and eggs. Oh and all the mud pies we shared.

Playing with bubbles, chalk . . . the birthday parties . . . the snowmen and snow forts and blanket tents. . .

My flowers! No not my flowers too - daisies, purple cone flowers, lilies .... My strawberries, chives, onions, ferns and rhubarb plant. Gifts from my daughters, husband and friends. 

Oh, and I can't forget the surprise unknown crop that magically sprouted up in our garden last summer.

We kept trying to figure out what was growing in our garden. It turned out to be decorative gourds. My granddaughters loved cutting them off the vine and displaying them on the window sill.

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Everyone keeps saying it's just a house but it's feels like so much more to me.

This house is my home and it has been home for ten years. 

Have you ever lived some where that just never felt like home? I have. Until I moved into this house.

Of course there are so many memories attached to this house. It's like our house is part of the family.

It also feels like an extension of me. We did so much work here. I picked out the flooring, all the paint colours, the base boards, trim and doors. I picked all the light fixtures. 

We installed a new bath tub, sinks, faucets, vanities, light switches. I think we replaced just about everything in the house - except the kitchen cabinets.

I know it is a matter of pride. How could I not feel good about owning my house. We worked and saved for this house. We did it together.

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I don't know how many times I have been told that one door closes and two open. That does not console me one bit.

The pain is so intense. I can only compare it to breaking up with my high school sweet heart. I grieved for six months - til I met someone new.

I think I just need to grieve my loss and time will heal the part of me that is broken.

I hope in time that I will be able to forgive myself - I let my family down.

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How did we get here? 

It was a long time coming, starting almost six years ago. That is when my husband was injured at work.

Unfortunately it took almost six years for him to be diagnosed.

Six years, trying to figure out why he couldn't stay at a job more than a couple of weeks. 

Six years, thinking this job is the one that he will stay at and everything will be okay again.

Six years struggling financially because everything we had was based on two incomes.

How would your family do if your household income dropped by fifty percent or more? 

I cashed in my RRSPs, spent my savings, maxed out our credit cards just to get by.

I couldn't understand why he would just walk off the job. It made me so angry. Until he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

To be honest, I can't completely understand his PTSD. I try. He says that it didn't happen to me and I could never understand what he is going through. That might be true but I do know what it has done to our lives.

We have lost everything.

We are homeless and our family is spread out.

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Where do we go from here?

I can't go there yet. I have not grieved enough yet. The wound is still too raw. I need just a little time.

I am grateful for my Honey Bunny because she is the reason I get up and go every day. With out her I'm not sure I would find the strength.

I'd like to thank Pamela Dale. Her words keep ringing in my ears. Will I be a victim or victorious? 

I will victorious. Just not today.

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Well, thanks for stopping by. 

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emotional VAMPIRES ARE REAL

Have you ever felt emotionally drained - like you have nothing left in you? Have you been exhausted not just emotionally, put physically too even though you haven't done anything strenuous?

I know at times of high stress, a person can become drained of physical and emotional energy. A death, a natural disaster, or a horrific event can take a lot out of a person. 

And this makes sense to me but what about people? Can a person drain you emotionally and physically?

I think they can. Actually I am pretty sure they can because I have experienced it. The other day, I was feeling so tired. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I just wanted to lie down somewhere and go to sleep. I remember thinking, it's weird but every time I talk with this person, I feel like the life has been sucked right out of me leaving me feeling negative, frustrated and very unhappy.

I can't stand feeling like this. I work so hard to be positive and uplifting then to have someone rip that all apart on me . . . 

What can I do to protect myself? What can you do to avoid this kind of person from bringing you down?

I wanted answers so I Googled it.

I found out that these life draining people are vampires - Emotional Vampires! They "suck the good" out of relationships. Instead of  feasting on human blood they feed on positive energy and the good feelings in their relationships. They are real - living among us - disguised as everyday people - maybe your sister, brother, mother, father, friend, neighbor, co-worker . . .  maybe it's you.

Signs That You Have Encountered an Emotional Vampire

(from “Emotional Freedom” by Judith Orloff MD)

You can always tell when an Emotional Vampire has been in your presence. You may exhibit some or all of the following:

• You feel physically tired - you may need a nap.
• You feel agitated - grumpy
• You feel sad, hopeless or worthless
• You want try to comfort yourself with shopping, binging . . .
• You feel anxious, depressed, or negative

I knew being around negative people made it difficult to feel optimistic and happy but now I know that Emotional Vampires inflict deeper wounds. They suck the optimism and serenity right out of us. 

They can make us believe we’re unworthy and unlovable - that we don’t deserve any better. They can makes us feel bad about ourselves. 

We need to know how to recognize these Emotional Vampires so we can protect ourselves.

Identifying Emotional Vampires

Emotional Vampires come from all walks of life. They can be a boss, a coworker, a colleague, a friend, family member or romantic partner.

According to Judith Orloff MD there are five types of Emotional Vampires. 

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s New York Times Bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

The Narcissist

Their motto is "Me first." Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention and crave admiration. They're dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you don't do things their way, they become punishing, withholding or cold.

How to Protect Yourself

Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide your deepest feelings to them. To successfully communicate, the hard truth is that you must show how something will be to their benefit. Though it's better not to have to contend with this tedious ego stroking, if the relationship is unavoidable this approach works.

The Victim

These vampires grate on you with their "poor-me" attitude. The world is always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they always say, "Yes, but..."  As a friend, you may want to help but their tales of woe overwhelm you.

How to Protect Yourself

Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly and tell a friend or relative, "I love you but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions." With a coworker sympathize by saying, "I'll keep having good thoughts for things to work out." Then say, "I hope you understand, but I'm on deadline and must return to work." Then use "this isn't a good time" body language such as crossing your arms and breaking eye contact to help set these healthy limits.

The Controller

These people obsessively try to control you and dictate how you're supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They'll control you by invalidating your emotions if they don't fit into their rulebook. They often start sentences with "You know what you need?" and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned or put down.

How to Protect Yourself

The secret to success is never try and control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but don't tell them what to do. You can say, "I value your advice but really need to work through this myself." Be confident but don't play the victim.

The Constant Talker

These people aren't interested in your feelings. They are only concerned with themselves. You wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or these people might physically move in so close they're practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but they step closer.

How to Protect Yourself

These people don't respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt, as hard as that is to do. Listen for a few minutes. Then politely say, "I hate to interrupt, but please excuse me I have to talk to these other people... or get to an appointment... or go to the bathroom." A much more constructive tactic than, "Keep quiet, you're driving me crazy!" If this is a family member, politely say, "I'd love if you allowed me some time to talk to so I can add to the conversation." If you say this neutrally, it can better be heard.

The Drama Queen

These people have a flair for exaggerating small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. 

How to Protect Yourself

Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. Set kind but firm limits. 

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Judith Orloff MD is the bestselling author of the book Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011)  She is an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. She has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, and in the Oprah Magazine and USA Today.

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Oh, I don't know if the short summary of Dr. Orloff's book was much help. The book of course has more information if you want to learn more.

Dr. Albert Bernstein has his own site where he shares his incites into Emotional Vampires. Check it out here.

What I did learn is that Emotional Vampires believe their needs are more important than yours and rules don't apply to them. They will never admit fault and they will throw a tantrum if they don't get their way.

And now that I can recognize an Emotional Vampire I know that the best way to protect myself from an Emotional Vampire is to avoid them if at all possible. Otherwise, it's best not to take anything they say personally which is easier said than done. 

Do you know an Emotional Vampire? Or have do you see some of their tendencies in yourself?

Maybe we are all Emotional Vampires at certain times in our lives?

I hope you find this post helpful or at least amusing! Let me know what you think by leaving a comment. I can never get enough of those.  :) And if you know someone else who may enjoy this post, please share it with them.

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Forgive But Don't Forget

If there was something simple that you could do to remove negativity in your life, would you do it? 

What could that something be? It is forgiving those who have transgressed against you. You need to forgive, but not forget, because once you forgive, you can start to heal and the negativity in your life will melt away. 

I am not talking about forgiving the other driver on the road because they cut you off.  I am talking about a traumatic event or repeated events over a period of time that left you feeling hurt, angry and bitter. 

Don't allow yourself to be consumed by these negative emotions because you are robbing yourself of happiness and inner peace. As long as you hold onto these feelings you cannot let happiness in.

Forgive

The only way you can let go of negative feelings and live your life to your fullness is to forgive.

Forgiveness does not mean:

• forgetting
• you approve of the unacceptable behavior
• you want that person to be in your life (or maybe you do - that is your choice)
• they can repeat the behavior
• your life will change immediately

Forgiveness does mean:

• you know your happiness is your choice
• you decided that you want to be happy
• you are taking responsibility for your emotions and reactions
• you do not want revenge
• you are leaving the past in the past
• releasing all the negativity and allowing good things to come into your life
• you are free to live your life in a positive way.

How do you forgive?

1. First you must decide that you want to make a change in your life. 
2. You decide you want to be happy.
3. You know you deserve to be happy.
4. You see your past as over, knowing that holding onto anger only keeps it alive. 
5. You accept others and yourself as you are.
6. You are determined to get what you want in life and focus on those possibilities rather than thinking about the past. 
7. You know that no one can make you feel happy or feel sad or angry. 
8. You are able to express you feelings about the grievance (without hurting yourself or anyone else) 
9. You do not need or want to take revenge or ask for an apology. 
10. You notice you are spending less time and energy on the past transgression and eventually there will be little to no emotion tied to those memories

My Story

For some of you, it will be easy to forgive and move on while others will hold onto grudges forever. I have seen how negative feelings can poison the person who will not forgive. And to be honest my life was also affected by events in my past that I was not ready to release.

I was angry, hurt, depressed. I felt guilty. Then I decided I had to make a change. I had to forgive.

At first I had a difficult time wrapping my brain around the concept that I am responsible for my own happiness and that no one person could make me feel happy or sad. I cannot control someone's actions but I can control my reactions. I can just let myself respond in the same ole way or I can make a conscience decision to take control of my life. Happiness was my choice.

Fortunately, I was able to confront a person who hurt me in the past. At first she was angry, then she began to cry. I realized she was not the same woman who whipped me with the vacuum cord (among other things). She was older. She was . . . different. She had regret. It was then that I was able to forgive her. I was lucky that I could spend many good years with her before she passed away. I miss her.

Now it would have been nice to be able to confront my father but I couldn't do this because he passed away when I was ten years old. (That was when my Aunt moved into our home)

It took some time before I could actually forgive my dad. In the end, I rationalized that he was an ill man. His illness consumed him. I honestly believe he did not have complete control over his actions and I could not hold him responsible. 

I also held the belief that my father loved me and he wouldn't intentionally hurt me. If he understood the kind of damage he was inflicting, he would have stopped himself.

I found it helpful to use visualization. I imagined his soul drifting away from his physical body. As he moved out of this world, he was released from the illness that had consumed him and he could look at me with love and kindness. His spirit - his soul was no longer bound to a physical form that was racked with illness, distorted perceptions, or personal baggage. As a result he would feel bad about his actions and he'd wish he could protect me from further pain.

Eventually I felt the negative feelings - all that pain and anger fade away. And I was free. It is true. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. 

A Dream

If you have the time, I would like to share a dream I had many, many moons ago. I was about twenty years old at the time. 

I was sound asleep. In my dream I woke up. I lay there looking around the dark room. I couldn't get back to sleep so instead of waking my boyfriend with my tossing and turning, I decided to leave our bed and go into the living room.

It was snowing outside. The light from the parking lot bounced off the snow on the ground and poured in through the curtains.

I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I didn't want to turn on the television in fear of waking my boyfriend and I didn't feel like reading because the brightness would hurt my eyes.

Out of habit I walked over to the electric heater and leaned against it to warm up.

There was a knock at the door.

I didn't find it peculiar to have someone at my door in the middle of the night. It wasn't that I was accustom to late night guests. I was just curious.

I opened the door just enough to see outside. The screen door screeched and hit the side of the building. A gust of wind blew the swirling snowflakes into my apartment.

There standing in the snow was my dad. Smiling. He was wearing his work clothes and work boots. Snow landed on everything but him. There were no footsteps in the snow.

I asked him what he was doing here. I knew he was dead so it just didn't make sense for him to be standing there.

I don't remember his lips moving but I heard him say that he was there to see how I was doing and to let me know that he loved me. This being said he told me that I should close the door and get out of the cold - to get back to sleep. I didn't say anything but I felt grateful to him for stopping by. I think he sensed it as he smiled at me.

Being the obedient child, I closed my apartment door and returned to bed. I lay back down and pondered my ghostly visitation. I wiggled in bed, feeling something was not quite right. I sat up and looked back at my pillow. To my horror I saw myself sleeping on the bed. 

I was not in my body. I lay back down trying to force myself back inside. I sat up again only to realize I was still outside. Panic was about to set it just as my spirit regained control of my body. I opened my eyes and looked at my hand just to be sure. I rolled over and fell back to sleep.

I had this dream shortly after I forgave my dad for the abuse. I knew I did the right thing. 

Can You Forgive?

At some point in your life you may have someone do something to hurt or harm you. You must remember that you are not responsible for their actions and they are not responsible for yours. 

Forgiving is a process which will free you to travel the road into the future without emotional and mental baggage weighing you down - travel the road to inner peace and happiness. 

Start now. You deserve it.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. 

Lewis B. Smedes (1921-2002)

I hope you find this post helpful or at least amusing! Let me know what you think by leaving a comment. I can never get enough of those.  :) And if you know someone else who may enjoy this post, please share it with them.

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Just a Bad Day, Not a Bad Life

Having a bad day? Bad week?

Don't beat yourself up about it. We all have off days. Some more than others. Like my husband for instance. He has a shit finger. Yep, that's right. (I said the s--- word. tee hee hee) Everything he touches turns to shit. 

When he is feeling ridiculously silly, he likes to chase me around the house with his poop finger, trying to touch me. Of course I can't get away from him because he has those big ole monkey arms that can reach me from any point in the room. (He is tall so his arms are long - not that he resembles a monkey in any way. Like, he's not hairy, okay) 

Why are guys such bugs?

I'm just thinking now. I wonder if it is just his pointer finger or his whole hand that is the problem? How much of him would we need to sever to get rid of the shit? I'm thinking his pointer finger will do. Yep that must be the answer. Then I will take that finger, go for a drive, and throw it out the window. What do you think of my plan?

Alright. Seriously. He's the glass is half empty kind of guy. He just keeps drawing the bad to himself. Over and over and over again. He'll never learn.

Now for the rest of us, who do not have a shit finger, we need to put it in perspective. So what. We had a bad day. Will any of it matter in a month from now? Or a year from now?

Keep this in mind: most things can be fixed. It may be difficult to correct but it can be fixed. So don't sweat it. 

And remember, it is a Bad Day, not a Bad Life!

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Have an awesome day then share it with me!

Maya Angelou

I like surfing the net, reading blogs, articles, looking at pictures. I wander from one link to the next and before I know it I am miles away in unknown territory. 

This is how I came across Maya Angelou. Holy Cow! She has accomplished so much. 

"Dr. Maya Angelou is one of the most renowned and influential voices of our time. Hailed as a global renaissance woman, Dr. Angelou is a celebrated poet, memoirist, novelist, educator, dramatist, producer, actress, historian, filmmaker, and civil rights activist."

"Dr. Angelou’s words and actions continue to stir our souls, energize our bodies, liberate our minds, and heal our hearts." 

http://mayaangelou.com

It was the many quotations that drew my attention. Her words inspire. Because I blog about gratitude I thought this quote would be fitting and so I am sharing it with you. 

I have been practicing gratitude and I wake up in the morning saying thank you. When I am grateful I cannot feel sad. I can't feel anxious or frustrated or angry. I feel happy and blessed.

When I practice consistently for a few days, I have a warm fuzzy feeling of inner peace and happiness which up to now was a very rare event.

Unfortunately, change is difficult. Sometimes negative thoughts creep into my mind or escape my lips. That's when I stop and say, "but I am grateful for . . . " and turn it back around to gratitude.

If you haven't tried any of the gratitude practices, a magic morning is a good place to start or you can start at the beginning. That post is titled, The Road To Inner Peace and Happiness.


You may want to read more about Maya Angelou so  I have copied a few links for you.

• http://mayaangelou.com/
• http://www.poemhunter.com/maya-angelou/
• http://www.poemhunter.com/i/ebooks/pdf/maya_angelou_2012_6.pdf
• http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/maya_angelou.html

Do you have an attitude of gratitude? I am not there yet but I am working on it. How about you?