Grieving A Loss

There is a heaviness in my chest - my heart is aching and my stomach is turning. 

I can feel the anxiety building up deep inside my solar plexus. Indistinctly, I close my eyes like I can block out reality. I take a few cleansing breaths trying to recover some sort of serenity.

My nose and eyes are tingling as I try to push back the tears. Why? I let the flood gates open. I sob loudly and violently.

This has been my reality for the last few months. I am grieving a loss.

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Friday June 21, 2013. I was actually feeling pretty good considering the circumstances. I was smiling and I could hear my Honey Bunny chattering happily with my Mom as they were getting out of the van behind me. I moved quickly to unlock the front door.

There it was. The paper I had been dreading for the last three weeks.

The notice from the sheriff as directed by the bank that holds my mortgage. The notice to vacate the premises on or before Friday June 28th at 8:30 am.

The fat lady was singing.

I felt my heart drop. I blinked slowly, pulled the notice off the door and walked through the house to sit out on the dec in the backyard - my backyard. Tears swelled then slowly rolled down my cheeks. 

There were no coherent thoughts just the feeling of overwhelming loss. And the tears kept coming - faster and faster.

Mom quietly sat down beside me.

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I had tried to prepare myself for this moment but I kept thinking everything was going to be okay and it would all work out in the end.

This is my house. My home for ten years. This was the only place that felt like home since I eighteen years old.

This was the only home that my Honey Bunny has ever known. She loves her home. 

I remember her telling me that she was grateful for the roof because it kept us dry when it was raining. 

She waited all winter for me to clean out the pool and fill it up so she could swim. 

She is such a little fish. She was only three years old when she learned how to swim under the water across the width of the pool. She practically lives in the pool all summer.

The back yard was one of my favorite places to be too. I loved the deck. It was covered so we could sit out back when it rained. It was so beautiful out there listening to the pitter patter of the rain drops hitting the roof.

Dinosaur eggs and bones.

Faith and I loved playing in the yard. One summer we had such fun digging for dinosaur bones and eggs. Oh and all the mud pies we shared.

Playing with bubbles, chalk . . . the birthday parties . . . the snowmen and snow forts and blanket tents. . .

My flowers! No not my flowers too - daisies, purple cone flowers, lilies .... My strawberries, chives, onions, ferns and rhubarb plant. Gifts from my daughters, husband and friends. 

Oh, and I can't forget the surprise unknown crop that magically sprouted up in our garden last summer.

We kept trying to figure out what was growing in our garden. It turned out to be decorative gourds. My granddaughters loved cutting them off the vine and displaying them on the window sill.

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Everyone keeps saying it's just a house but it's feels like so much more to me.

This house is my home and it has been home for ten years. 

Have you ever lived some where that just never felt like home? I have. Until I moved into this house.

Of course there are so many memories attached to this house. It's like our house is part of the family.

It also feels like an extension of me. We did so much work here. I picked out the flooring, all the paint colours, the base boards, trim and doors. I picked all the light fixtures. 

We installed a new bath tub, sinks, faucets, vanities, light switches. I think we replaced just about everything in the house - except the kitchen cabinets.

I know it is a matter of pride. How could I not feel good about owning my house. We worked and saved for this house. We did it together.

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I don't know how many times I have been told that one door closes and two open. That does not console me one bit.

The pain is so intense. I can only compare it to breaking up with my high school sweet heart. I grieved for six months - til I met someone new.

I think I just need to grieve my loss and time will heal the part of me that is broken.

I hope in time that I will be able to forgive myself - I let my family down.

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How did we get here? 

It was a long time coming, starting almost six years ago. That is when my husband was injured at work.

Unfortunately it took almost six years for him to be diagnosed.

Six years, trying to figure out why he couldn't stay at a job more than a couple of weeks. 

Six years, thinking this job is the one that he will stay at and everything will be okay again.

Six years struggling financially because everything we had was based on two incomes.

How would your family do if your household income dropped by fifty percent or more? 

I cashed in my RRSPs, spent my savings, maxed out our credit cards just to get by.

I couldn't understand why he would just walk off the job. It made me so angry. Until he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

To be honest, I can't completely understand his PTSD. I try. He says that it didn't happen to me and I could never understand what he is going through. That might be true but I do know what it has done to our lives.

We have lost everything.

We are homeless and our family is spread out.

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Where do we go from here?

I can't go there yet. I have not grieved enough yet. The wound is still too raw. I need just a little time.

I am grateful for my Honey Bunny because she is the reason I get up and go every day. With out her I'm not sure I would find the strength.

I'd like to thank Pamela Dale. Her words keep ringing in my ears. Will I be a victim or victorious? 

I will victorious. Just not today.

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emotional VAMPIRES ARE REAL

Have you ever felt emotionally drained - like you have nothing left in you? Have you been exhausted not just emotionally, put physically too even though you haven't done anything strenuous?

I know at times of high stress, a person can become drained of physical and emotional energy. A death, a natural disaster, or a horrific event can take a lot out of a person. 

And this makes sense to me but what about people? Can a person drain you emotionally and physically?

I think they can. Actually I am pretty sure they can because I have experienced it. The other day, I was feeling so tired. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I just wanted to lie down somewhere and go to sleep. I remember thinking, it's weird but every time I talk with this person, I feel like the life has been sucked right out of me leaving me feeling negative, frustrated and very unhappy.

I can't stand feeling like this. I work so hard to be positive and uplifting then to have someone rip that all apart on me . . . 

What can I do to protect myself? What can you do to avoid this kind of person from bringing you down?

I wanted answers so I Googled it.

I found out that these life draining people are vampires - Emotional Vampires! They "suck the good" out of relationships. Instead of  feasting on human blood they feed on positive energy and the good feelings in their relationships. They are real - living among us - disguised as everyday people - maybe your sister, brother, mother, father, friend, neighbor, co-worker . . .  maybe it's you.

Signs That You Have Encountered an Emotional Vampire

(from “Emotional Freedom” by Judith Orloff MD)

You can always tell when an Emotional Vampire has been in your presence. You may exhibit some or all of the following:

• You feel physically tired - you may need a nap.
• You feel agitated - grumpy
• You feel sad, hopeless or worthless
• You want try to comfort yourself with shopping, binging . . .
• You feel anxious, depressed, or negative

I knew being around negative people made it difficult to feel optimistic and happy but now I know that Emotional Vampires inflict deeper wounds. They suck the optimism and serenity right out of us. 

They can make us believe we’re unworthy and unlovable - that we don’t deserve any better. They can makes us feel bad about ourselves. 

We need to know how to recognize these Emotional Vampires so we can protect ourselves.

Identifying Emotional Vampires

Emotional Vampires come from all walks of life. They can be a boss, a coworker, a colleague, a friend, family member or romantic partner.

According to Judith Orloff MD there are five types of Emotional Vampires. 

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s New York Times Bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

The Narcissist

Their motto is "Me first." Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention and crave admiration. They're dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you don't do things their way, they become punishing, withholding or cold.

How to Protect Yourself

Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide your deepest feelings to them. To successfully communicate, the hard truth is that you must show how something will be to their benefit. Though it's better not to have to contend with this tedious ego stroking, if the relationship is unavoidable this approach works.

The Victim

These vampires grate on you with their "poor-me" attitude. The world is always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they always say, "Yes, but..."  As a friend, you may want to help but their tales of woe overwhelm you.

How to Protect Yourself

Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly and tell a friend or relative, "I love you but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions." With a coworker sympathize by saying, "I'll keep having good thoughts for things to work out." Then say, "I hope you understand, but I'm on deadline and must return to work." Then use "this isn't a good time" body language such as crossing your arms and breaking eye contact to help set these healthy limits.

The Controller

These people obsessively try to control you and dictate how you're supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They'll control you by invalidating your emotions if they don't fit into their rulebook. They often start sentences with "You know what you need?" and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned or put down.

How to Protect Yourself

The secret to success is never try and control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but don't tell them what to do. You can say, "I value your advice but really need to work through this myself." Be confident but don't play the victim.

The Constant Talker

These people aren't interested in your feelings. They are only concerned with themselves. You wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or these people might physically move in so close they're practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but they step closer.

How to Protect Yourself

These people don't respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt, as hard as that is to do. Listen for a few minutes. Then politely say, "I hate to interrupt, but please excuse me I have to talk to these other people... or get to an appointment... or go to the bathroom." A much more constructive tactic than, "Keep quiet, you're driving me crazy!" If this is a family member, politely say, "I'd love if you allowed me some time to talk to so I can add to the conversation." If you say this neutrally, it can better be heard.

The Drama Queen

These people have a flair for exaggerating small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. 

How to Protect Yourself

Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. Set kind but firm limits. 

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Judith Orloff MD is the bestselling author of the book Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011)  She is an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. She has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, and in the Oprah Magazine and USA Today.

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Oh, I don't know if the short summary of Dr. Orloff's book was much help. The book of course has more information if you want to learn more.

Dr. Albert Bernstein has his own site where he shares his incites into Emotional Vampires. Check it out here.

What I did learn is that Emotional Vampires believe their needs are more important than yours and rules don't apply to them. They will never admit fault and they will throw a tantrum if they don't get their way.

And now that I can recognize an Emotional Vampire I know that the best way to protect myself from an Emotional Vampire is to avoid them if at all possible. Otherwise, it's best not to take anything they say personally which is easier said than done. 

Do you know an Emotional Vampire? Or have do you see some of their tendencies in yourself?

Maybe we are all Emotional Vampires at certain times in our lives?

I hope you find this post helpful or at least amusing! Let me know what you think by leaving a comment. I can never get enough of those.  :) And if you know someone else who may enjoy this post, please share it with them.

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Never Have a Bad Day Again

Have you ever had a bad day?

... One of those days where everything seemed to go wrong or one catastrophic event happened that changed your life forever.

You question the reasons for why things around you are falling apart.

Is it possible that the bad day you had has a purpose? A purpose in your life and perhaps you are taking the long road to a destination that at the moment is unclear.

Is it possible that in a year from now you could be grateful for this very experience? 

Maybe the experience changed you in such a way that today you can see the reason for the pain. Perhaps the universe has a grand plan for you and your life and this situation is necessary training?  

Is it possible to feel gratitude now for your current situation? In the heat of the storm can one be grateful?

Interrupt anxiety with gratitude ~ Danielle LaPorte

I am a huge advocate for action.

Action cures fear. Action takes us out of our heads. Action is better than reaction. The list goes on and on.

However, when it comes to getting through storms in our lives one needs to be conscious and think, not drift. Drift into the past or drift into the future but to think in the here and now.

Because thinking, especially thinking about what one is grateful for is extremely powerful. Grateful thinking is associated with increased levels of energy, optimism, and empathy.

Gratitude will be the saving grace in your storm. Thinking in tough times is more important than action, to really think.

Here is one way I have found to get through a tough day.

I found this exercise extremely powerful:

1. Put on some soft music that soothes you and makes you feel relaxed close your eyes and ask yourself this question:
• When in your life did you feel you were guided?
• Maybe there is more than one occasion you felt the hand of the universe on your back.
2. Put your hand on your heart, breathe in deep. Think of the coincidences.
• Were any of these situations painful, confusing or difficult at the time but have turned out to be blessings in disguise?

One of the great blessings of getting older is that we get to see life unfold. These memories that you are now having, at the time they occurred could you see the possibilities that came out of those situations? Probably not. We are not able to see through the pain.

I have realized this: You can’t do anything about the past. You can’t do anything about the behavior of others. You don’t control them. But you do control your own thoughts.

So be grateful for everything that comes your way.

Our brains create memories positive psychologist Shawn Achor states that if we write down 3 things every day that happened within the last 24 hours and why we are grateful for them our brains will then double the meaning making us happier.

Gratitude changes the neuro pathways in our brain. Here are a few gratitude quotes to get you started.

So the next time you’re having a bad day, cure your thoughts with gratitude. Write down what you are grateful for in your life. You’ll find that it’s often the little things that we take for granted.

This is an easy life. A great life. And when you understand that, when you realize the incredible abundance that you have, then you can never have a bad day again.

About the Author: Pamela Dale

Pamela Dale is a certified life coach who guides women through transitions in relationships, career and life through developing a stronger sense of self, igniting their personal power, and connecting them to their values and inner purpose. 

Humor, compassion and fierce honesty are the driving forces in Pamela’s work as a coach. Her coaching sessions are known for being inspiring, energetic and transformative.  

Pamela lives and works in Vancouver, Canada. She publishes The Empowered Woman Letter: http://pameladale.ca/letter




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PMR (How Progressive Muscle Relaxation Improves Your Sleep)

I was talking to a friend the other day about stress and how it affects us.

My friend was explaining how he has trouble falling sleeping. He can lay there for hours wide awake. His mind races, reviewing everything he didn't finish, what more he has to do. He can't seem to slow his brain down.

Most nights he just gives up by getting out of bed and finishing a few items on his to do list. Actually this nut bar gets dressed and goes to the office to check off a few items on his to do list.

Unfortunately this leaves him sleep deprived. There are been plenty of meetings where we have caught him dozing off. Which is a concern of course. We worry about his safety.

I explained to my friend that I sometimes have trouble falling asleep too. My mind gets stuck on replay. Thought are just buzzing around, I feel anxious and restless.

When this happens I have to just slow it down and r-e-l-a-x. I take a few deep cleansing breaths to slow my heart rate down. Then I begin to list off a few items I am grateful for. 

I am so very grateful for another day of life because it means I can spend more time with the people I love and care about. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am so very grateful for the roof above me and the bed below me because I don't want to get wet. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

I go through my list slowly and explain why I am grateful for it. I drift off with happy thoughts floating in my head and I sleep like a baby. What ever that means.

If sleep is still avoiding me, I try to figure out if I am clenching any muscles like in my jaws or shoulders.

Recognizing Stressed Muscles

The fact is many people don't recognize their muscle tension and don't know how to relax. I know you are thinking that you do know how to relax, and you probably do but there are still many who don't know how to release their physical tension.

I learned to recognize muscle tension almost fifteen years ago. I took a course at my local gym. I thought I was taking a short course to learn how to protect myself if attacked out in the parking lot. Truth is I can't remember any of those tips. However, I do remember learning about Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR). I don't know how that is related to running and screaming for help. At least I learned something right.

What is PMR?

Well, basically it is squeezing and releasing isolated muscle groups. It teaches you to become aware of your tension, how to let it go, and how to recognize a truly relaxed state.

Give it a try. We'll start with your shoulders. Lift your shoulders up towards your ears. Tighten all those muscles. Tighter. Can you feel the tightness in your neck, chest, and back? Now count to ten. Exhale slowly and release. Just let it go. 

Try to remember how your shoulders felt before this exercise. Can you feel the difference between then and earlier? Now your shoulders are truly relaxed.

Put PMR into Practice

I think we should start with our right hand just to make sure we are doing this tighten and release right. 

• Think about how your hand feels. 
• Now clench your hand into a tight fist. Tighter. As tight as you can. Now how does your hand feel? What about your forearm? 
• While clenching a fist, count to ten. 
• Okay, quickly relax your hand. Let your hand go completely limp. 
• As I exhale, I picture all the tension floating out of my hand into space and dissipating. 

Okay you are ready to try the exercise. You need to be in a comfortable position free of distraction. I prefer to lie down in bed so I can fall asleep right after. I close my eyes so I can concentrate on the muscle groups.

Once you are ready, let's begin.

• Inhale deeply through your nose and slowly exhale.
• Start by clenching your toes and pressing your heels down and back. Squeeze tightly for the count of ten and then release.
• Now flex your feet in, pointing your toes up towards your head. Hold for the count of ten and then release.
• Continue to work your way up your body on each muscle group; legs, bum, abdomen, back, arms hands, shoulders, neck and face. Tighten for the count of ten and release while exhaling. 
• End your practice by taking a few more deep breaths.
• Feel total relaxation in your whole body.

Let's Wrap It Up

Remember, PMR involves letting go of the tension in your body and brings you to a sense of relaxation. It is performed by tightening and relaxing your various muscle groups. By relieving the stress you have built up throughout your body, you are able to quiet and calm your mind.

And remember, like with anything else, practice makes perfect.


What do you do when you are having difficulty falling asleep?






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The Symptoms Lead to the Diagnosis

His Symptoms

T

he truth. It was good to hear. It all started to make sense. I was putting it together as he let more and more of what he was going through come out.

The nightmares. he had trouble sleeping because as soon as he closed his eyes he saw his friend plummeting head first into the cement floor. And once he did fall asleep, he would wake from the nightmares, his heart pounding.

The flashbacks. At any given moment images flashed inside his head and that sinking feeling of his friend falling to his death, reliving it over and over.

The fear. He lived in fear. Someone is going to get hurt today. Someone might even die. He couldn't watch our granddaughters when they were learning to walk. He'd scream, "Look, look, I told you!" as he stormed out of the room. Unfortunately he has missed quite a bit with his granddaughters because he can't watch. 

I told him reeelllaaax. Kids are kids. They will get cuts and bruises. It's a part of life. We can't stop them from exploring the world and we don't want to stifle them in a padded room. He still can't watch.

The anxiety. His heart races and pounds in his chest. He feels like he is going insane. The anxiety makes him irritable. He gets angry.

The outbursts. Because he is irritable and anxious, he gets so angry and can't control it.

Avoidance. He avoids his triggers. He can't talk to his co-worker anymore without breaking down. He couldn't go to work because it was a trigger.

The guilt. He was torturing himself because he felt so guilty. He was the supervisor. He should have protected his friend. It should have been him instead.

I said, "okay, okay! I think you have post traumatic disorder and you need to see the doctor." 

It took a few weeks but eventually he did. This was three years after the accident.

Prelude to a Diagnosis

M

y husband was finally able to share with me the secrets he had been living with all these years. It took a lot of convincing but he eventually realized the road to recovery starts with our family doctor.

My husband didn't have to wait long for an appointment. He was already seeing the doctor regularly because of his injured arm (work accident were his arm was caught in the press). Our doctor's unofficial diagnosis was PTSD He referred my husband to a psychologist for an assessment who confirmed the diagnosis. 

So it is official. My husband was not going crazy. He has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from witnessing the accident at work.

The Diagnosis

S

omething good came out of the visit with our family doctor. My husband was prescribed a happy pill. Or two. 

One pill helps him go to sleep and sleep soundly. Plus it is a mood stabiliser. That pill squashes the nightmares. No more restless nights. He just zonks right out. Bang!

The other pill is the happy pill. Hallelujah, it was a miracle! 

Actually it didn't happen overnight or with the first dose, but he did become less aggressive, angry, anxious. Like all the "a" words? 

Yes my family continued to be cautious. We didn't want to set him off. But that's okay because that tense, twisted expression on his face relaxed like a long deep sigh of relief. For us all. Don't get me wrong, he still rages like a lunatic but not as easily or as often. I have to say it is easier to ignore when it isn't a constant in our lives.

I know he still suffers.